War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.