Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.