I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.