I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm single because I was born that way.