He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion