Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.