I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.