If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.