Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.