If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.