That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.