I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.