Women are made to be loved not understood.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…