Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm single because I was born that way.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.