Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I'm single because I was born that way.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.