Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.