I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.