Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.