Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.