What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.