It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.