It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.