Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.