Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.