Men are as faithful as their options.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.