If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.