You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.