Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.