Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.