He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I'm single because I was born that way.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.