My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.