Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.