Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.