You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.