Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.