When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.