I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

No good deed goes unpunished.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.