I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.