There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.