Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.