Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.