Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.