I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.