I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.