I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.