My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.