Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.