He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?