Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.