Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm single because I was born that way.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.