If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Men are as faithful as their options.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.