There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.