I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.