Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.