Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.