If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.