I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

No good deed goes unpunished.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.