I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.