If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Men are as faithful as their options.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.