Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.