My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.