To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.