Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.