Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
No good deed goes unpunished.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.