I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.