No good deed goes unpunished.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?