If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.