I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!