I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.