Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.