I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.