I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.