If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I'm single because I was born that way.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.