Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I'm single because I was born that way.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.