War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.