He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
No good deed goes unpunished.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member