If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.