You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.