If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
No good deed goes unpunished.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.