You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.