I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

No good deed goes unpunished.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.