Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

No good deed goes unpunished.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.