The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.