If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.