If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Men are as faithful as their options.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.