Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.