Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!