If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.