Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments