Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm single because I was born that way.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.