To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.