Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.