[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.