I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.