I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I'm single because I was born that way.