If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.