Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.