Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.