I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.