I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.