I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.