[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.