Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.