There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Men are as faithful as their options.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.