Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Women are made to be loved not understood.