Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.