[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.