I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.