I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.