Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.