I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?