A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.