It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.