Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.