Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.