Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.