To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.