I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.