I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.