If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.