In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'