I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm single because I was born that way.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.