There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.