A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.