I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.