There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.