Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.