I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.