Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.