If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.