I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.