Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.