The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.