I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I'm single because I was born that way.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.