Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.