I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.