When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.