A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.