Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.