I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.