There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.