You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.