In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.