[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.