If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.