I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.