Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.