You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
No good deed goes unpunished.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.