I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!