I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.