I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.