Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.