Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.