I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.