I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.