At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?