I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.