I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.