I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.