If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.