I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.