You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.