It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!