He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps