I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.