My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.