Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.