He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.