I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?