If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.