There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.