It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Women are made to be loved not understood.