Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
No good deed goes unpunished.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.