I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.