I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.