It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.