Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.