Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.