I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.