When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.