What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.