I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.