The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.