If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
No good deed goes unpunished.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.