When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
No good deed goes unpunished.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.