It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Men are as faithful as their options.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.