You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.