If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.