If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.