It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.