A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.