He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Men are as faithful as their options.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down