A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.