I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.