If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.