I'm single because I was born that way.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member