I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.