Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I drink to make other people more interesting.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.