I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm single because I was born that way.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.