There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.