A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.