Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.