My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.