I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

No good deed goes unpunished.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.