Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.