Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

No good deed goes unpunished.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps