If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.