I'm single because I was born that way.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.