All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.