If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.