I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.