War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.