I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.