A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.