You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.