I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.