Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I'm single because I was born that way.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.