Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.