Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.