You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.