I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.