If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.