Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I drink to make other people more interesting.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.