If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.