Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.