I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.