Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.