I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?