Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.