If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.