If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I'm single because I was born that way.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.