If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?