A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.