Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.