He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.