If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down