There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm single because I was born that way.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.