Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.