Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.