I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I'm single because I was born that way.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.