By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.