Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.