You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.