He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.